So if you're following me, or just glance at my art submissions, you might notice that I've been drawing basically every day for the past week or so and cranking out mostly finished works. Some of which I haven't posted here because of quality and or smut. Trust me, there are more than what you see.

Some of them might not be entirely polished, but the fact I've been drawing this much lately and actually PROUD of many of the works I'm producing is something I would not have even imagined last year.

Last year sucked. It sucked majorly. I was depressed, the universe conspired against me several times cause she's a bitch like that and saw to it that I was forced to move twice, and whenever I even tried to draw something, it never came out right. It always looked off or just downright crappy. I'd lost my passion for drawing, for writing as well really. I just lost everything. Sure, I had other interests to occupy me, I did a little voice acting, modding, things I could work on that allowed me to be mechanical and focus without really focusing.

I almost gave up on art all together, resigned to the fact that I just wouldn't draw anymore. I'd let my tablet collect dust and leave my sketchbooks stacked in a backpack in the corner. And if you knew me, you'd know how sad that is. I've been drawing since I learned how to hold a pencil. I have sketchbooks and mangas I tried making when I was 7, there are drawings even earlier than that when I used them to lash out at my sister in the one place she could never see. I can't remember a time when I wasn't putting pen to paper, when art wasn't an integral part of my life. It allowed me to pluck all the little ideas I had in my head and make it so everyone else could see them too. When words failed to convey what was rattling around in my brain, I turned around and drew it. I drew in protest, for fun, for my friends, for my enemies, I drew the popular girls who would not have spoken to me had I not been a half decent artist. There were people better than me, sure, but I was never discouraged. Had never been discouraged until last year.

In addition to the problems I facing just in my day to day life, I would look at these amazing creators and my heart would sink. I was nowhere near their level, hell, I'm still not. Compared to so many, I'm so mediocre. My nephew is years younger than me and is better at realistic portraits than I'll maybe ever be. I felt like I'd hit my peak and to know that my best was still not as good as I wanted, it hurt.

But when I finally did sit myself down and took a shot at redrawing an old character after digging through old sketches, I realized, even if I have a long ways to go, I've come farther than I thought. I can't draw like my idols, but I've developed a style over the years that is uniquely my own, pitch patched together from probably 17 years or more of practicing, trying new things, scrapping old ways of doing things, learning new ones. Art is the one thing I have never wanted to be complacent in. I want to get one more half star, one more vote in my favor, one more person who thinks what I'm making is decent enough they want to look at it. And I realized I'm not as done as I thought.

Even if takes another decade, I'll keep improving and I'll keep moving. Each year will be better than the one before and even if I really never do reach that unattainable level of perfection, I'll know that I can take pride in how far I've come. I do take pride in how far I've come. My ten year old self would marvel at what I can create, and in a few years, I'll be even better.

But hey, all this could just be the drunk ramblings of someone who's stayed awake until 8 in the morning but fuck you I beat my art block like a red headed step mule.

To wrap up my inane, punch drunk ramblings before I go to bed, I present this. From 2008. It was one of the best drawings I thought I had ever done.